It is likely that you have listened to lots of opinions and advice regarding marriage. Although opinions from people who are making it work can be helpful, some guidance can be harmful and detrimental to your relationship. Here is some bad newlywed advice to be wary of.
1. Honeymoons are mandatory
After you get engaged, you will begin to get loads of questions about your plans for a honeymoon. And, everyone will be keen to offer you their recommendations about activities, location and trip duration. Someone even told me that honeymoons that last less than twenty-one days are not worth the bother!
If you have the money to get away and have a nice honeymoon, that is great. If you are only able to take a day’s break after your marriage, that’s fine as well. Even if you go back to your flat after making your vows and do not leave home at all, that is wonderful too! Do not allow the idea of having some exotic (and costly) honeymoon to ruin your first twelve months of marriage, because you have emptied your bank account.
Don’t spend more than you have!
2. Never end the day with an unresolved argument
That advice is an excellent idea. My other half and I attempted to do this during our initial months of marriage.
However, we rapidly realized that attempting to resolve things in the evening was not the best approach. (I’m not sure about you, however, I become incredibly emotional after a certain hour. That hour is ten. Only joking — it is eight, but that’s fine).
Rather than trying to wade through this emotional quagmire, we shelve our arguments, get some kip, then discuss it on a morning. This approach turns a ninety minute evening argument into a ten-minute discussion over breakfast. It has saved our marriage.
The crucial thing to bear in mind is that having disagreements does not mean that you stop loving your partner. It all results from the reality that there are no hard and fast rules for handling marriage conflicts. Discover the right approach for you, be honest in your communications, and work out a solution.
3. Discuss things with your buddies
Perhaps you have a big argument with your spouse. Or maybe you are just fed up with cleaning up after him or are irritated by how she never takes the trash out. Irrespective of what’s annoying you, your solution should not be a venting session with your buddies.
I understand – I do! It can be very cathartic to tell someone what’s on your mind. It can be even more reassuring to know that you are not the only person facing these marital problems! However, if you consult your friends too often, you might fall into the trap of bashing your spouse unfairly. And I’m not sure about you, but I would not want my inner feelings broadcast to all my partner’s friends!
My best piece of advice is to locate a marriage mentor, who is several years older than you and can help you navigate the problems you are encountering. However, even so, tell your partner about the subjects you are discussing, particularly sensitive areas like sex. It is always best to respect your marriage above all else.
4. Be everything to each other
“After you are married, you will be everything to each other. Your partner will be your Ying, and you will be his Yang”.
Err… I think I’ll pass on that, thanks to all the same……
Do not misunderstand me: I am in favour of your husband being a good friend. Most of my spare time is spent in the company of my partner. He is my preferred adventure partner, board game teammate and film buddy. It was because we enjoyed spending time with each other that we could confidently choose to spend our lives together.
Nonetheless, I would never wish to be everything to him. That is far too much responsibility for one person. I am not supposed to be his spiritual mentor. That’s God’s job. However, apart from that observation, I am also not supposed to his child, parent or best guy buddy. These are roles for others to occupy to form our social circle.